i-TFTD #47

#47-1. Not to do what you feel like doing is Freedom.
-Swami Chinmayananda

#47-2. We cannot live for ourselves alone. Our lives are connected by a thousand invisible threads, and along these sympathetic fibers, our actions run as causes and return to us as results.
-Herman Melville

#47-3. Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.
-Og Mandino

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I normally avoid clubbing quotes on the same subject but the above three just happened to be related. What I like about them is they provoke thoughts in a logical sequence. My initial reaction to the first statement was, "How can that be?" The second quote hints at the answer by talking of interdependence. The third one pithily points out the benefit of a serving attitude. When I then re-read the first quote, it seemed to make more sense.

A couple of follow-up thoughts on i-TFTD #41: Two Lives and Resistance. My experience is that it is very liberating once we take some action on a long-pending desired action. And it becomes easy after the first few steps. So start on one of them. At the same time, it is better to revisit and evaluate such longings to see if we need to let go of them based on current reality. After all, if I have not worked on something for years, maybe it is not really important or aligning with my true priorities. Removing such vague clutter from the list of long-term To Dos frees up my mind to focus more energy on the remaining ones.

i-TFTD #44: Responding vs. Reacting

Responding vs. Reacting
From the Winning Without Intimidation newsletter by Bob Burg at www.burg.com

People ask, "Isn't Responding and Reacting the same thing?" Actually, though the words are similar, the difference is significant. I love what Zig Ziglar asks when speaking about this concept: "Did you respond well to the medication your doctor prescribed, or did you have a bad reaction?"

Here's a winner's look at the difference between those two concepts. Recently I was pulling into a parking space. Being too hurried, and not paying attention as I should have, I didn't notice that the car parked in the next space had a man coming out of it. I braked in plenty of time, but it gave the man a start. He looked at me with that look that said, "You (insert nasty name here)!"

He reacted. Who could blame him? Now I had a choice; would I react to his reaction?... or would I respond, thereby diffusing an otherwise uncomfortable (and potentially nasty) situation, and hopefully turning a potential enemy into a friend? I chose to respond. I immediately raised my hand with a sincere smile and mouthed, "Sorry, my fault."

He then responded with a smile and a wave of his own. Funny thing is, when I got out of my car, his words to me were actually, "Sorry, I should have looked before getting out of my car." Can you believe that?! I see two results to that situation; One is that a potential (and too typical) argument turned into a friendly exchange.

Secondly, next time he is in a similar situation, there's a good chance he will respond instead of react, turn a potential enemy into a friend, and begin his own chain reaction of kindness and friendship.

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Though I find the example a bit simplistic, the concept of responding as an active and conscious behaviour as opposed to reacting as a passive and unthinking behaviour, is useful. Sometimes people talk to us about their problems, expecting us to just listen. Responding in this case would be to be a good listener as opposed to reacting with solutions or advice. When someone sends a nasty mail on a genuine issue, one could either react to the tone or respond by acknowledging the issue. The latter moves the issue forward towards resolution while the former creates a new issue.

i-TFTD #27: Something Plus Acceptance

When someone is doing something or about to do something, in a way I don't want it to be done -- and I am not able to accept it -- I become angry.

When someone is doing something or about to do something, in a way I don't want it to be done -- and I am able to accept it -- I remain tolerant.

When someone is having something or someone is able to produce the results which I am not able to produce:
If I am not able to accept it, I become jealous;
If I am able to accept it, I get inspired.

When I am encountering uncertainty or is about to encounter uncertainty, which I am not sure how I am going to handle:
If I am not able to accept it, it causes fear in me;
If I am able to accept it, I feel adventurous about it.

When someone has done something that has emotionally hurt me:
If I am not able to accept it, it develops hatred in me;
If I am able to accept it, it helps me forgive them.

When someone is present in my thoughts, but is not physically present:
If I am not able to accept it, I say I am missing you;
If I am able to accept it, I say I am thinking of you.

Thus, Emotional Equation becomes:

Something + acceptance = positive emotion

Something + non-acceptance = negative emotion

So, it is not something or someone who is making me feel positive or negative, but it's my acceptance or non-acceptance of something or someone, which impacts things.

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Basic fact needed for spiritual and even psychological maturity. We accept its logic when we read it but are we able to practise its lesson?

Sometimes one wonders what is the difference between passive non-confrontation (out of fear) and positive acceptance and tolerance. I guess the difference is how it makes me feel in the long term. If I am uncomfortable or resentful for a long time, I probably avoided something in the guise of acceptance. If I am able to dispassionately look back and analyze the situation, and feel satisfied that I made a mature choice, then it could be an indicator of true acceptance.

Carrots, Eggs or Coffee?

Carrots, Eggs or Coffee?

A daughter complained to her mother about her life, the things that were hard on her and her desire to give it all up. As one problem was solved a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high flame to boil. She added carrots to one, eggs in the second, and in the last she dropped in some ground coffee beans. She let them boil for about twenty minutes. She then fished the carrots and eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter she asked "Darling, what do you see?" "Carrots, eggs, and coffee." she replied. She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She noted they were soft. Then she broke an egg. The daughter observed the egg had been boiled well. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. She smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

She asked in a humble voice, "What does it mean mother?" Her mother explained that each of them had faced the same adversity, boiling water, but had reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. But when dropped in the boiling water, it softened and became tender. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But when boiled for a while, its core hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique however. When added to the boiling water, they changed the nature of the water.

"Which one of these are you"? she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you react"?

How about you dear reader?

Are you the carrot that appears hard, but with pain and adversity do you wilt and become soft and lose your strength? Are you the egg, which starts off with a malleable heart? Were you a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a divorce, or a layoff have you hardened and become stiff? Your shell looks the same, but are you bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and heart?

Or are you like the coffee bean? The bean adapts to the changes wrought by the hot water. Even when the water is very hot, it improves the taste.

If you are like the bean then, when things are at their worst, you get better and make things around you, better.